Pain Creates Space Pt 1

I've always struggled to blog because the very concept of "blogging" creates a bit of conflict within me.  It creates tension.  As an occasional (frequent) non-conformist, I refuse to censor myself for the sake of any potential readers.  Reasons I would need to censor myself are too great to list.  As a former (habitual) teacher/pastor, I am unable to contain the thoughts that build up within me.  So if I don't get them out somehow, such as writing here, in my gournal (Thanks, Paul Rudd), they tend to explode forth in short, passionate bursts to whoever is nearby, probably in a less friendly and coherent manner than they might, had they been written here, before such a build-up occurred.

 The people pleasing entertainer that is a major part of my personality causes me to want to write that which will get me approval.  The rest of me hates the idea of doing anything just for approval, since such a motive is bound to taint the "honesty" of that endeavor.  Not only that, but Paul's words in the beginning of Galatians, particular 1:10, have always struck me right in the heart.  To give you a summary, in 1:5-9, the Apostle Paul is addressing the "fickleness" of the Galatian church, which leads him to his comment in 10 about not speaking for the approval of man, but rather for the approval of God.  Of equal importance, Paul reminds his Galatian audience in v. 12 that he didn't receive the message he preaches from man or school, but rather he learned it from God.

And just so you have the context of the chapter in its entirety, Paul opens by establishing that he gained the authority to rebuke them not by winning a local church election (while everyone really wanted to get to lunch after church), but because he had been granted the authority by God.  In vs 12-24, he tells the tale of his ministry.  How he went from being a Jew who persecuted Christianity to a Christian who was miraculously taught of the Gospel, after which he immediately went to Arabia to begin preaching.  All this without being commissioned by a local church or any sort of group of "Christian authority."  He only briefly interacted with Peter, speaking with none of the other Apostles, during this whole period of ministry.

What does all of that demonstrate?  It shows that Paul recognized the he was created to speak, even if he did so poorly, on occasion, purely for Jesus.  May not seem like that great of a point, but if you compare his writings to the average sermon on a Sunday morning, you would probably see how difficult this can be to live out.  To write and to preach only "for God" means finding a balance between grace and truth, knowing when to be blunt and when to be delicate, something Paul seems to do well, moving in and out of the NT books he wrote.

I'm rambling.  As my title suggest, pain, which creates even more tension within me, causes me to separate myself from vulnerability.  I know, this is true for a lot of people.  This is especially exhausting for someone such as myself...an external processor.  Someone who develops and pursues ideas and philosophies by talking through them.  Or writing them.  To refuse to allow those things within my brain to get out, I have had to learn to suppress them, or I would probably go insane.  Who knows, maybe I've started to do a little of each.  Ask Jenny.  I'm sure she could vouch for the insanity part.

As much as I hate it, there's a strong part of me that desires approval.  However, I seem to have developed, at some point, a part that is equally ok with an equal amount of disapproval.  In other words, I want to know that you were listening, even if you hated what you heard.  I think I need to find myself in a place where, like Paul, I'm more concerned with teaching the Truth than about the possible reactions.

I think most professional counselors would say that it's hard to work through any problems or deal with "issues" if they're aren't even being stated.  So all of this was a lead-up to me beginning to state some of the things with which I have found myself wrestling for over 2 years.  I know they're not new to the world or particularly groundbreaking, as I've read many books already pointing to their existence.  However, I went from reading about them in books to finding myself wrestling with these particular issues.

I won't delve, yet, as this has already become lengthy, hence the "pt 1" in the title.  My focus has run out, as has my cigar.  So this is a good stopping point.  Should you read it, comment or not.  I don't care.