And so on Saturday, during a drive to what would be a wonderful day, I flagellated myself a little, inwardly. It's a personal struggle, not to feel things the same way that so many others do. And after sufficient punishment, I turned my music off and forced my heart and thoughts to pass through my vocal chords. (Thanks to hands-free devices and the endless variety of music, people who pray in their cars don't look the slightest bit insane anymore.) Somehow, speaking aloud the words in my confused (relatively) emotions keeps my thoughts flowing in a line that is nearly straight. Just like writing things here, as long as I keep focused on the screen, keeps my brain walking the same thought process.
To remain focused no my original thought, I'll skip details. I'll just say that after a good conversation with God, I felt better about life and myself. Though what I was feeling was right and not unjustified. (I felt unworthy of God...which I am.)
Yesterday, Easter Sunday, I was awakened by my dog barking very early in the morning. Endlessly. For over an hour. I rarely wake up grouchy, but that did it to me. Not wanting to remain a grouch on Easter Sunday, I attempted prayer again. But even on the drive, I couldn't shake it. In fact, as the day went on and the pollen got to me, my overall mood remained down. I wasn't angry or about to attack anyone. But it was an odd thing, being unable to become exultantly happy on the day when I knew some people had recognized their need for Christ and so entered the kingdom of heaven.
Today, I woke up down (for myself) yet again. Very odd. One day is strange for me. Let alone 3 in a row. Eventually, after an hour of sitting on my couch, I decided to shake it off and leave. I went to church, and I did my devotional.
2 Cor. 12:7b-10 "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
That was what I was being drawn toward. That scripture hit me right between the eyes, probably a year ago or so. I won't detail my own foolish struggles. If you know them, then this means that much more to you. But whenever this passage first impacted me, I was giving those struggles to God, hoping that He would finally erase them from me. And then I realized why He never had.
In more recent years, I've struggled with my own emotions. They don't make sense, relative to many other people. I don't feel certain things that it seems others do. And I get emotional in moments that are less common. I have down days for no apparent reason...though, of course, after sufficient self-examination, I can find the reason(s).
Since the time when the Cor. passage embedded itself within me, I think God has used it to draw me to him in moments besides temptation. i.e. when I am feeling down. Or unworthy. Or anything negative. Or really, anything positive. But just like this passage says, in my weakness, I am strong. Because in those moments, I have realized exactly how broken I am, and I stop fighting to be self-sufficient, and I rely wholly on Christ. And then good things happen.
All that to say: Thank you, God, for pulling me, every day, in myriad ways, inexorably toward You.
